My heart hurts

This study abroad experience has done a lot of things for me. I'm learning about other cultures, meeting a lot of new people, trying new and amazing foods, and getting to see some incredibly beautiful places. I'm learning a lot about myself and gaining a lot of life experiences. Some of them are a little harder than others. To begin this, I'll have to tell you a little about a certain class that I'm in and a certain trip that I went on. Mostly, I'm taking culinary classes, but I'm also taking an Italian language class and a business class. It's called Human Potential in Business Organization. I thought it would be neat to see what another country felt that one person could do to impact a business, or maybe even the world. One of the girls in my class, she seems like a sweetheart, but we differ a lot on opinions of major issues. When we went on an optional school trip to Pompeii, Sorrento, and Capri, she was along for that trip. Although Capri and AnaCapri were beautiful, Pompeii for me was amazing. Learning about how a while city worked in the early AD years and that they were that advanced, and yet tragically, their city was destroyed by Vesuvius the volcano was a very wonderful experience. It was very heart-wrenching though to know that thousands of people died, because they didn't know what was going on, and locked themselves in their houses. When you are there, you are able to see the bodies just how they were on that doom filled day. The molten ash and gases were hot enough to mummify them exactly as they were, curled up holding their loved ones near them...covering their faces from ash and gases. It made me cry. However, once back in class...this girl explained to our Human Potential teacher, that she hated Pompeii because all we did was stare at a pile of rocks for three hours. It made me so upset that she could be that unmoved by the things we saw that day.



Then, Karen, Rod, and Paula came to visit for a few days. We had a wonderful time. The whole weekend we had some deep conversations about having so much and people who are giving back and how great that is. Then, living in Florence, there are a ton of homeless people and beggers...and so i am always thinking about how odd it is that some of the NICEST people here are the ones with so much less. The street vendors are the nicest, and they target you for stuff you don't actually NEED , but stuff that you want or would like to have. So, remember the girl I was so mad at for saying that she hated Pompeii b/c it was a pile of rocks? Well, on the Monday my family was here, the teacher was gone. We watched a film about rich countries vs. poor countries and then discussed how until the rich ones start caring, the gap is just going to get bigger. Then I pointed out that's all we ever do is DISCUSS problems, but very rarely is anything actually done about it. So, the sub asked if anyone had been to a 3rd world country. So, this girl says that she went to Africa last summer...for two weeks to build schools. I thought wow...that's really incredible. That's awesome that she did that. She proceeds to describe the living conditions to us in ways that choked me up. She was talking about how awful it was, and she made herself cry just talking about it. I thought it was because she was so moved and changed by the experience...something that she will have forever and continue to go back to. However, then, her closing statement was...."but, I would NEVER go back. I had to sleep on the ground for two weeks and eat their food and drink their water. It was awful." I WANTED TO EXPLODE!!! I was so mad. She had this amazing opportunity, and I thought she understood...but she doesn't. She was so choked up by it, and yet would never go back. She will build a school, but who will help provide teachers? Who will send supplies? Who will provide the kids with money to dress and eat for school? Then she said, that's why I get so mad when people say they hate being American, because at least we HAVE more-at least WE are more educated. AND THAT MADE ME EVEN MORE MAD. Yes, we HAVE that. WE HAVE everything...and yet we are always demanding more. We have to have that handbag or we have to buy another company or underpay our workers for a a bigger profit. And then, here is someone who "cares" so much and has made "such an impact on them" and she would never go back? So you build a school and then you simply say...oh, well, I did my part. I was livid, but kept my mouth shut because I would have exploded and sobbed. As I leave that class, out in the street, there is a violinist that I see every single day all over the city. He plays the most BEAUTIFUL music, and people always hurry by and never look at him. As I walk out, he smiles (while playing) and says "bon giorno!" He doesn't ask for anything or stop me or have a sign. He just smiles and plays. And his outfit is worn and dirty and his case is empty. So I smiled and said it back. Went inside and grabbed all of my change (quite a bit) and went back out and put it in his case...he beamed and said grazie. Then, I go to cooking class where everyone wants to know who went to the coolest place over the weekend...and wants to know the price...and what they bought. And it makes me sick. I was crying through most of the class. I will say that I have never been so ashamed of the American mentality in all of my life. I was mad at not only the people around me...but also at myself. Do I need to be here? Do I need to be buying all these gifts for people for when I return? Yes, I worked multiple jobs and saved every penny to get here...but who could I have helped with this money! Then, we have SO many leftovers every day in this class...but we aren't allowed to leave the building with it. So, I smuggled some out in my purse with the intent to give it to the violin man...but he's gone. So i see the family, cry and explain and they said, oh there was a lady around the corner...so I go, and hunched in a pile on the ground is this old woman who doesn't look up. She has a cup by her. I try to say, "here's some food" but she doesn't hear me...so, I lay the plate of food on the ground. Mind you, I had been warned that the ones who dress like that and don't look up at you, they are gypsies and don't need money and will steal from your purse when you're not looking. BUT, she looks up, crying, thanks me, and DEVOURS it. I have never seen someone so hungry. It made me so sad. Call me crazy, but I'm hurting and I don't know how to fix this. I can't. ONE PERSON can't. but how do you change a WORLD? That's what I'm struggling with. I've had sooooo many positive moments on this trip and have loved and learned from everything...but this is something that grabs me by the heart and won't let go.